The Journey, The Depression, The Struggle

Over the weekend, I went through a break-up of sorts. I say "of sorts" because we weren't actually dating. I had to leave because I was tripping over myself from overthinking everything, and getting down on myself from thinking that I wasn't good enough to wash her feet. This flung me into a downward spiral where I fell back into my state of depression. For a while, I was happy. I was really happy. My life seemed to be on track. Sad to say it, but then I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and threw everything else out the window just for her. Never give up on yourself, kids. Well, now that I've gone and left her, I'm doing my best to refocus my efforts on me and where I'm headed. People will tell you that you need to move on. That is the least comforting thing that you want to hear after a break-up of any kind and when your heart feels broken. Even though you know it's the right thing to do, you still feel the need to linger and sit still. It really sucks to be there. I know, I feel like I've been there my whole life, but I know that I'll never get anywhere if I don't move forward.

One game that keeps coming to my mind is Journey for the PS3. Journey is a wonderful experience that is only two hours long, but has an impact that will last a lifetime. A section of Journey in particular that my current situation resembles, is just after the sand surfing, when you fall into the pit. This moment strikes a chord with me, because I was having a blast, but didn't even realize that I was headed downward. Suddenly, I fell. I fell into darkness, and all of those feelings of insecurity, not being good enough, depression, fear, doubt, all came back to me. In Journey, players find themselves surrounded by the darkness. It starts slowly, but is very present. Shafts of light beam down from above. Somewhat like spotlights on a stage. When you enter into them, everything is washed out. There is only you. It kind of feels like when you want to draw attention to yourself in your state of sadness. You want to let people know how you feel, and it seems like no one cares because you can't see them. You don't want to look like a drama queen, or burden them with your sadness, so you leave the spotlight and do your best to press on into the darkness.

As the level progresses, the light starts to fade away, as well as the bits of mystical fabric that help you out. They've left you all alone, and have been replaced by ominous statues of dragons. These dragons tower and loom over you with a dead, and yet dreadful stare. The darkness consumes the screen, nothing is able to be made out. The only thing that stands out is you, and the dragons. THese dragons are kind of like the manifestations of your fears, doubts, and failures. They can't kill you, the game doesn't have a game over screen, but they can hurt you if you let them. When the dragon does spot you, their spot light turns an angry, burning red and charges you with a menacing sound that puts you on edge.You are violently torn away from the path that you were on, and your scarf that you were working so hard to improve and make something of has been torn in half. You let it get to you. You let the dragon tear you apart. You let the past consume you, and you couldn't move on.

But, you can still walk. There is still air in your lungs. There's nowhere else to go but forward. As you press on, doing your best not to let the dragon spot you again, more show up. Two dragons block your path. Again, you press onward. With courage, and desperation, you move as fast as possible to get past these dragons of doubt. Feverishly, you slide past them and make it to your refuge of light that drives the dragons away. You've made it back to solid ground. You're safe.

Getting out of depression is not as easy as the game Journey. Nor is it as quick. It can be over come, and it can be moved through. Sometimes I feel like I am still there in the depths, surrounded by dragons on all sides. Sometimes I feel like my friends don't want to hear me and what I have to say. I feel like I hold on to the past too much, and I can't let go. I call to these dragons, and beckon they come after me. Stress, anxiety, self-consciousness, doubt, fear, anger, depression, obsessions, they all come out in times like these. It is a struggle to make it through these. People who don't understand say to just move on. As much as I hate that phrase, I know that they are right. Journey is important to me, because there is one lesson to be learned from it. JUST. KEEP. MOVING. FORWARD.

When I can manage to put my head on straight long enough to see where I need to go, I get determined. I start writing again. I start making plans to make it to the next step. I keep moving forward. The next day might be different, or I might keep that level of determination. I can never tell sometimes. It's very difficult for me to let go of the past, but I know that it needs to happen. I know that I'm made of stronger stuff than what my anxieties tell me. I know that I can go the distance, and I know that I can make it to where I want to go. It still sucks, though.

The rest of the game represents those next steps. Accurately too. After the darkness, players are bathed in light. Going from shrine to shrine, with depictions of where the player has been. It's good to look back and see how far you've come. It may not seem all that special because you did it, but you did it in a way that only you could have. It may not have been the best, or maybe it wasn't your best effort, but you still managed to get it done. You did the thing! That's something, and you should acknowledge it. You're not worthless. I'm not worthless. Players climb and climb and climb up this tower full of their accomplishments in this short time that is Journey. They see how far they've come, what they've done. New bits of fabric appear, bridges made of light, and friends surround the player, helping them along the way. Your friends support you and your decisions, or they will do their best to help you if you're headed down the wrong path. Good friends, anyhow. Good friends are tough to come by.

Finally, when you reach the top of that tower in Journey, you must face the summit of that mountain that you've been chasing the entire game. It's dangerous, treacherous, and it drains you. It seems like you're barely going to make it, if at all. I can't say what the summit is like, because I'm not there in life yet. I still feel like I've got a long ways to go up the mountain. These dragons keep dragging me down to their level, but only so long as I let them.

Dragons come in many different forms, and they can overpower us at times. There's no shame in reaching out when you don't feel as though you can move on. Whether it is to your friends, family, or to God. Know, that there is always someone there for you and that they want to help.

Journey may be just a two hour game, and for some it may be too 'artsy' for others it's just another pretty face. For me, though, it is something so much more. And I will play it again, and again, until I have reached the top of my mountain.